Latest Nonsense

"Ah, yes," said the hamster from behind them. "We all know that inside every mythical giant spider, there’s a skanky ferret just waiting to get out."

"That’s not what I meant!" Greg protested. "He was still impressed. Besides," he added, "how do you know that isn’t true? Ferrets are awesome."

Tim just blinked at him knowingly, returning his attention to his clandestine waffle-related activities before the ferret had a chance to scowl.

"So why do you need a purpose, anyway?" Greg asked Julie.

"I – " She honestly didn’t have an answer for that. "What else am I supposed to do?" she asked finally.

"Well, you could keep doing what you’re doing," he suggested. "Or if you don’t like it, stop doing it and find something you do like. I don’t see why that would require a purpose, though."

"What else would I do, though?" she asked.

"Hang out with us for a while," Tim’s voice suggested from behind her.

"Like I’d have the time for that!" she exclaimed.

"Besides," Greg said, "that might be tricky. She needs to eat and sleep and all those other things."

"Good," Tim replied. "That’s inconvenient. It can decoy your aura for long enough for us to maybe get something done."

"But we don’t do anything," the ferret pointed out. "We drink and play chess. And occasionally Eveline decides she’s neglecting her biological duties, and shows up and makes you squirm, and I laugh at both of you." He grinned at Julie. "As I was saying, purpose and productivity have very little to do with one another."

"That’s just because being a Ferret of Inconvenience doesn’t take any work!" the hamster replied.

"I work damn hard at it, thank you very much."

"Yes, but that’s not because you have to; it’s because you enjoy it."

"So?"

"So that’s not work; that’s a hobby."

"That’s ridiculous. It doesn’t stop being a job just because I find it fun. That doesn’t mean it’s good for anything, though."

"I’m not going to argue with that," Tim replied. "Just don’t go casting aspersions on the usefulness of being a hamster just because you have no point!"

"Point?" Greg retorted. "What do hamsters do for the planet?"

"Make people happy!" Tim said. "Well, and serve as lab subjects. But they’re both important!"

"I catch rats," Greg offered. "Well, I used to."

"All ferrets do that," Tim pointed out. "You’re not the archetypal ferret. Besides, other ferrets don’t accidentally lead all the town’s children out after them when they leave! You really should have been paying attention."

"I said I was sorry!" the ferret protested. "I sent them a fruitcake the next Christmas and everything!" He gave Julie a beseeching look. "Sir Isaac Newton let a horse escape while he was thinking, and did anyone hold it against him? No! They thought it was cute. Thoreau had crowds of children follow him wherever he went, and people just chalked it up to his being an amusing eccentric. And me? An honest mistake, and I’m stuck with creepy folktales. I get no slack!"

"If you want slack, you’re in the wrong line of work," the hamster said. He grinned at Julie. "And even if he is, he doesn’t have a choice. Catch the drift?"

"Yeah," she admitted. "But given that I have to do something, I’d still like a reason."

"Well," Gregg said, still looking a bit put-out about the rat thing, "what’s stopping you from doing nothing?"

"The need to eat?" she suggested.

"We already told you you could come hang out with us," Tim pointed out. "We’d feed you. But that doesn’t seem to fix your problem."

"Yeah," she admitted. "I want something to do. And I want to be doing it for a reason."